This is a bit more personal than my usual posts which tend to be more abstract about the way I see the world…
I’ve been feeling confused lately as even though I’m happy I’m still incredibly anxious. I thought I had left my anxiety behind years ago when I let go of depression. Those two belong together right? Surely happiness doesn’t partner with anxiety?
So why is anxiety following me into my happy space, into my excitement, into my love? I’m sure many are feeling this way, in many different combinations and levels of anxiety with depression, with other mental ill health too. It’s a strange time and with that we have to find new ways of being in the world.
I wasn’t even sure how I’ve been feeling was anxiety because I couldn’t believe I could feel so happy and so nervous and scared at the same time. People would ask me how I’ve been and I would reply with “good” and that is the truth. All my smiles I give are real and that’s why I was so confused because I still knew something wasn’t right yet what was it?!
I’ve worked really hard to become aware of my feelings. I do believe observation in this way is the key to being in control of our lives and not letting our emotions steer us in ways we don’t want to go so this has been quite interesting to feel through, as well as painful and frightening at times.
Here’s a little poem I’ve written describing how I see anxiety and how I’m going to overcome her. She is just fear in another disguise. Fear dressed up as a little child, maybe me as a child wanting love and reassurance to go to sleep, so love is how I’ll soothe my own anxiety…
Anxiety is a thief, A thief of the present, It steals, it replaces, Fear fills the spaces. Anxiety is a thief, A thief of awareness, Awareness of what's real, Awareness of how I feel. Anxiety is a thief, A thief of my memories, Twists and discolours, Makes them seem duller. Who is anxiety, this little thief? This lost one who only feeds lies to me? A scared child who needs a hug? A scared little girl who just needs love? I'll love, love, love her until she sleeps, Untill no more of my time she wants to keep. Anxiety is a thief, All thieves can be redeemed, Never again will she steal my dreams.